I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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