Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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