It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
