i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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