Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
