My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
