At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
