Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
