you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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