I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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