Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
