I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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