We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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