i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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