Having a random hookup so left but love u
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
