Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
