went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
