It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
