yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
