Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
