why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
