i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
