There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
