Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
