Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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