we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Damn victory sex feels great
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
