So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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