I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
