I feel great
I just peed on a car
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
