At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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