I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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