Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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