I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The air was thick with penises
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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