everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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