apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
