my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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