remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
