I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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