Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
