Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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