Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
