Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
