Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize