I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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