I heard we made out
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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