He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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