i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
