Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
