just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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