You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
