Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
