can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
