the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
