Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
