if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
