You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
