textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
