just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
