Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
