So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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