I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
