Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
