Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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