I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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