It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize