I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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